whats going on up there??
i feel so dumb… like i know what i need to do but my body won’t do it.. i’m talking about my weight… actually at this moment i’m debating wether to actually post this or not but if youre reading it, obviously i chose to.. i’ve gotten to my record high weight of 200lbs.. that sucks.. i’m 50 overweight and i’m coming to terms with the fact that i’m really depressed about it. i can’t get it off my mind.. ever. i think about it all day, i think about what meals i can skip without passing out, i think about how much exercise i can jam into my free time. i’ve battled with bulimia before and it’s a struggle right now to not go back to it. anyway like i said at the beginning i KNOW what i need to do. i need to eat healthier and work out more and i have a plan to go vegan-ish but i can’t get myself to do it… which makes me even more depressed because i end up judging myself…. that’s not good. it’s like i look at everyone, all my friends, people at the store, hell even my mom weighs less than i do. but i go out in public and i feel like everyone is judging me.. and the other weird thing is sometimes i’ll feel great about myself but then i’ll see pics later and i think… who the hell is that cow? then i realize it’s me.. like the dace that maryville had. i found a wonderful dress that i thought looked great and i had a blast but i got pics from the photobooth they had and it’s like i didnt recognise myself. i dont even want to go out in public anymore. i went to the mall to go shopping with kaitlyn and it just made me realize that NOTHING there fits me.. i can’t even go to the freakin mall people.. i just feel like i have no power over myself…ugg sorry to sound like a whiner but right now i can’t even talk to chris about this… cause he only insists that i’m beautiful which i know is a load of shit… *sigh* sorry tumblrinas. i’ll stop now
